Given a choice, offer the child beer instead of water.

To ensure your child sleeps soundly have his or her head face south at night.

Avoid thinking of ugly people while pregnant.

Hold the baby closely as much as possible.

Crying should be discouraged as it negatively impacts lung development.

If your child cries so much as to rupture a blood vessel in its face, turn the baby over and deliver a sound spanking -- it will catch its breath.

Teach your toddler not to be selfish by leaving him or her alone with several neighborhood preschoolers and their new toys.

Avoid diphtheria by bathing the child each night in 98.7 degree water.

Make vaccinations less painful for children by having them chew gum while getting the needles.

For your child to truly thrive, give them multiple daily doses of multivitamins.

Stop stubbornness in children by spanking them with wooden spoons beginning at six months of age.

The baby's first year of baths should be of lard not water.

If your child suffers flatulence take away the pacifier to encourage burping instead.

Don't change an infant's clothes any more than absolutely necessary.

Bouncing a baby on a parent's knee can lead to wrecked nerves.

Feeding a baby at night encourages socialism.

Child won't sleep? Give him or her gin before bed.

Baby bowel movements should be regulated as early as possible.

Do not breastfeed angry.

Start adding cereal to the baby's diet after 2 days.

Give a child sugar sodas as early as possible to get them used to normal eating patterns.

Give your child shoes that leak and let in water to build character.

Encourage siblings to like each other more by leaving the youngest in the care of the eldest as soon as possible.

To encourage healthy behavior in a teen, shake hands with him or her each evening.

To ensure your child recognizes the father as the head of the household, allow them to be treated as slaves by neighbors when they are disobedient.

Swaddle a baby tightly at risk of limiting their limb mobility as they grow.

If your child has aches and pains or stiffness, apply strawberry ointment to the affected areas.

Avoid pet allergies later in life by keeping family cat or dog in crib with infant at birth.

Insure a child's safety by keeping them indoors with windows closed to sunlight and fresh air.

Drink a pint of Guinness daily during pregnancy to be sure the baby gets enough iron.

It's never too early to begin a baby's sunbathing routine.

When pregnant cut down on smoking to just half a pack a day.

There is a direct correlation between the vegetables a child eats in the first five years and when they are likely to move out of the home.

While busy doing housework, leave the baby outside in the stroller to get some fresh air.

At four months it's advisable to wean a baby off milk to bone broth.

To ensure baby gets fresh air every day, buy a crib cage that can be attached outside an apartment window.

During pregnancy be as quiet as possible in the week that would otherwise correspond with your menstrual period.

To help your child sleep put them in a crib with a lead-based painted toy.

If child is injured and bleeding, it is best to let them cry it out entirely before reacting.

Force child to face their fears of swimming by throwing them into the deep end and walking away.

Offer ailing children a spoonful of opium and alcohol.

Harness a child's shoulders to improve his or her posture.

Stop nursing children at nine months to avoid brain disease.

If you must travel pregnant, do so by train.

Don't encourage a baby to stand too early or he will become bow-legged.

To help a child sleep, provide a dose of morphine.

Child have a fever? Give her a spoonful of sugar.

Do not trust the parenting of small children under the age of three to mothers.

After Trick or Treating at Halloween check your child's loot for razors.